toxic friendships

I unintentionally destroyed a relationship with a boyfriend by having negative energy. I got to a point where school, finances, family problems, and busy-ness of life got to me. When I was out and about, I was a happy, cheerful, friendly person with people who didn't know me as well. When we got home, just me and him, I was awful. I was negative and down and depressed, unresponsive and unhappy. My negative energy killed our relationship. He was great, fun and funny, fantastic and supportive, sweet and thoughtful, and I got so bogged down by the negatives that I forgot that or couldn't see that and I lost someone really important to me.

That was a few years ago. And in this quest to find me and figure out who I want to be, I had that epiphany tonight when I realized I'm friends with certain people who do to me what I did to this boy. They will be smiling and kind with everyone else and then just turn and take out all their frustration and negative energy on me. Yes, we all get like this from time to time, but this has been an ongoing thing for some time now. I know I have become someone or am working hard to be someone who is positive and looks on the bright side as much as possible about everything, so maybe they just subconsciously think I can handle it or their negativity won't affect me. But it does, and tonight, it broke me. I really got upset and let it get to me. I gave up.

I know I can be a sensitive person and sometimes this can mean I let things get to me, but I'm not out of line or crazy when I say this would have gotten to anyone. That boy and I eventually broke up because the relationship just wasn't fun anymore, for either of us. These friendships need to be evaluated, perhaps, in the same way. Either something is got to change, or I want out. It's really that simple. I can't keep playing the positive to everyone's negative. It might me I'm not as strong a positive person as I thought, but... that's that. There are so many amazing people in my life who are positive and full of good energy, and then there are those who I keep trying to make positive and I honestly don't know how much more I can go when I continuously get shut down.

Peace and love, x's and o's.