ghosts

For anyone who knows me, ghosts is an unusual topic choice. But I don't mean ghosts necessarily in the most traditional sense, of, dead spirits appearing in front of you.

But rather, perhaps, the ghosts of past memories. As we are all prone to, sometimes a memory hits you and you are left with some sort of feeling of deja-vu. I think the seasons personally affect for me what memories hit me when, as well as who I've talked to recently, who is on my mind, where geographically I'm located, et cetera. But also, the places we've come to in our lives.

For example, since I was about 15 or 16, I've liked or been dating a boy almost constantly. (To go even further back, I seem to have skipped that whole "boys have cooties" phase entirely... when haven't boys been cute?) While this has not been the case since I've moved to CT, a large percentage has disappeared in my flirtatious personality; it has changed in that my focus has become my job and I worry that it will come off as unprofessional or as a distraction or some other sort that will not be openly accepted or appreciated. However, I've kind of hit a wall... I'm ready to be around boys my own age again, single and straight and attractive, and to laugh and flirt and giggle, all feelings and tendencies and personality traits that I feel I left with my self-confidence somewhere in a box in my parents' basement in KS.

Regardless, so, I'm ready to bring that person more front and center again (as if I've been able to ever control my personality, be it flirtatious or awkward or more often than not, both). So memories of that former person have been floating through my head and one particular memory absolutely knocked me flat the other night. Of course it was of a summer memory, and of course it was of the boy, the one who got away (there's always that one who got away), and of course it was of a time when I believed he loved me truly and deeply... oh, to be the naive fool again...

But I digress. I guess my head is in a place where I eagerly anticipate whatever there is to come, while being aware of what a blissfully unaware little thing I was, and the reality that, in order to jump back in, there is every possibility that I will be repeating history... Alas. Insert some cheesy love quote here, foolish or not, here I stand, ready to jump... or at least get my toes wet...

x's and o's, peace and love.