This is a post about questioning. This is a wide topic. It encompasses the questions we ask of ourselves, as well of those that others ask of us. And furthermore, what causes some to ask those questions so plaguingly (not a word, but I totally just made it one) of themselves, and what causes others to ask them so openly of each other?
First off, at some point last week, I had several occurrences where people were discussing things that were appropriate growing up versus appropriate now. For the most part, what they said were things that were much more liberal than my upbringing. Being the sunflower standing alone in a sea of mountain laurels (yes, I did just look up the CT state flower in order to make that work), a lot of it is credited to my Midwestern upbringing (by those who have never been there), as anyone who was born and raised on the Coast can not comprehend that my hometown and college town are both populationally (another word made up by yours truly) and most otherwise modernized more so than any town I've seen here. Yes, I come from a Red State. Lord knows that's something I've overcome. But I've always lived somewhere with running water, electricity, goodness gracious, even the internet! (Have we all so quickly forgotten Google, Kansas?? Not only do we have electricity, but our capital is making a fool in attempts of gaining the highest speed internet...) But irregardless, the sheer fact that I was not running on East Coast beaches every summer and didn't met any juice heads until I moved out here somehow diminishes the value of my opinion or superiorizes (all me) others' upbringings over my own. I've lived here for nearly two years and it's still so shocking that people I find otherwise to be completely intelligent, decent human beings, still devalue my thoughts and feelings based on not growing up here. Which leads me to my next section of questioning...
Out with a group of people tonight, all of whom I know on a somewhat acquaintance at least level, but of course, being the only one not born and raised here, they are all more familiar with each other than I am, all having histories that I didn't witness, and no amount of re-creating old stories will make me further a part of that history. Nonetheless, they like me, I like them, but I find myself being put on the spot, in an almost interview-esque style, questioning and quizzing me on my lifestyle choices, who I want to be, where I want to go, what I want to do. As if asking these big questions in such a presentational way will not only get you a deep honest answer (which it won't, as my being put on display will involve me giving an honest, but as brief an answer as possible, so the spotlight will glare into someone else's pupils) but help us to somehow play catch up into close, close friends. ...I will never understand this style of getting to know you. I am now in display, as uncomfortably as possible, being asked to get emotionally naked and share my deepest thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, with people who can sit back and watch, judge, comfortable in their already formed friendships, secure from being raised together, from always knowing what everyone else wanted to do, because they've always seen everyone else grow up.
What do you want to do with your life? Ha. Like anyone ever has a complete answer to that question? I definitely do not and I stumble all over trying to answer it whenever anyone has the audacity to ask it. I want to be happy. I want always to be surrounded by people I love, challenged by things I enjoy, driven by my passions and pursuits, comfortable enough in myself to be honest always, comfortable enough to get uncomfortable, to afford the ability to always be rich in literature, music, coffee... fashion. Girl, for just a moment, I know. More specifically, do I have an answer? No. I want to do what I want until it makes me happy, and when it doesn't make me happy anymore, I'll do something else. But to explain that to anyone is so... difficult. Difficult without sounding completely without drive or passion, without sounding like a complete and utter hippie, as I have been accused repeatedly of over the last five or six years. As if my ideals of recycling and being a vegetarian and conserving the planet's resources are so utterly absurd. But I digress. (As I seem to do at least once a post...)
Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? Let's be honest, life is different in CT and KS. But not for the reasons so many assume. In fact, quite the opposite. In a lot of ways, they're very much the same. The differences come simply from, if I were to live in a place where my future is set into becoming a Midwestern housewife, surrounded by friends and family who I've known my entire life (where we can go out to dinner as a group with a person who has the misfortune of not being raised with us their entire lives and we can cross-examine them with a self-assured thorough knowledge of each other). I could do what I want to do, be who I want to be, but am most likely going to be with someone I've known my whole life, doing things in places I've always gone to (don't get me wrong, I love these people and these places). Or I have the option of CT (or anywhere else really, but as it is where I am at the moment...), where I will always be a little more outside, where I will have to work harder to prove myself, to fit in, to be worthy of these pre-formed since-birth groups that we all have in our hometowns. I have option of not knowing who I could someday marry since he was knobby-kneed with a mouth full of braces, of living in or exploring places where I don't know all the roads; a place where I have to get a new state license, learn a new dialect (whether it be speaking or merely struggling to hear it properly), find new favorite restaurants... hey, it could even be a blue state. Or a non-colored state at all.
Have you learned anything here? I answered no. Such a reflex. But not entirely true. If not about the profession, I have learned a lot about myself in the past two years. I've learned the pain and anguish of moving 1300 miles away. I've learned how much you can miss everyone you've ever known, every place you've ever been, every memory you've ever had. I've learned that I'm stronger than I thought. I've learned how much missing people can age you. I've learned to live without a relationship, without a crutch, by myself. I've learned what good company I can be to me. I've learned to be a friend to myself. I've learned the art of being selfish and doing things for me. I've learned the difficulty of maintaining friendships with hundreds of miles between you, but the importance of the people who are willing to try. I've learned to become an expert frequent flyer. I've learned to navigate myself through places I've never been. I've learned that I never want to become a person who stops learning. I want to learn all my days through. I've learned the importance of a good night's sleep... every night. I've learned that it is so hard to try to teach yourself the guitar. I've learned that sometimes people have to make choices that hurt you in the moment, but that is never their intention and was merely them having to do what's best for them and I've learned to accept those choices they've made- I want what's best for them. I'm working on learning the art of being Zen, the ability to stay calm and cool, to let others get dramatic but not let it affect me. I've learned that I believe in love (well, duh), but have grown more accepting of the love lost, and overcome the need to find love where there is none. I have re-learned, over and over again, that laughter is always the best medicine.
This is a post where I would like to have the answers, but I don't. This is a post, like so many before it, about my upbringing. How I was raised in suburbia, in the Midwest, in a happy, healthy family, and yet, it somehow makes me unique. Different. How my 'normalcy' becomes a paradox, a paradigm, perplexing. A post where I want to have the answers, but somehow I just end up with more questions. What is it going to take for the value of my opinion to be equal to those of others- those around me, my peers, my friends? I'm learning that it's knowing the value of my opinion in my eyes that really matters, and at some point, the people who see it at that same esteemed value are the people worth blogging over.
peace and love, x's and o's.
