the last song

I just stayed up to a ridiculously late hour to watch "The Last Song". Cheesy, poor writing. At moments, grimace-worthy acting. But, still, somehow, the message came across. Or a few.

One. Life. Live it. Do it. Don't hide, don't hesitate, don't be anyone less than the whole, great person you want to be. There is no other time, do it now.

Two. Parents are wonderful. Brothers are wonderful. Never take these people for granted.

Three. I have no idea about love. None. I was never one of those people who said "I love you" to my early teenage boyfriends. Maybe because those people never existed in my life, but I never had that. I see it in movies and I still don't quite understand it. Even now, I've never really been there. The idea of it, yeah, it's great, but... I just...

Which leads me to: faking it. I spend a lot of time lately wondering if everyone isn't just... faking it. If figuring out where you go in life and where you should be and what you should do isn't all just faking it as you go. Acting like you know what you're doing. How do you know?

Last Movie Watched: The Last Song

Last Song Played: Taylor Swift- Ours

"love".

you don't love me. and you never did. saying it any other way is simply a lie. because love doesn't change its mind. love doesn't question whether it cares about you on a day-by-day, hell, moment-by-moment basis. love doesn't split itself between multiple people. love doesn't close doors or windows, it asks questions, it inquires, it cares about the answers. love doesn't walk out the door.

you didn't feel love or anything like it. you felt greed and manipulation and the fun of the game.

you can try and spin it any way you want, honey, but that wasn't love. keep telling that story if you like, but i don't think anyone, not even you, believes it.

toxic friendships

I unintentionally destroyed a relationship with a boyfriend by having negative energy. I got to a point where school, finances, family problems, and busy-ness of life got to me. When I was out and about, I was a happy, cheerful, friendly person with people who didn't know me as well. When we got home, just me and him, I was awful. I was negative and down and depressed, unresponsive and unhappy. My negative energy killed our relationship. He was great, fun and funny, fantastic and supportive, sweet and thoughtful, and I got so bogged down by the negatives that I forgot that or couldn't see that and I lost someone really important to me.

That was a few years ago. And in this quest to find me and figure out who I want to be, I had that epiphany tonight when I realized I'm friends with certain people who do to me what I did to this boy. They will be smiling and kind with everyone else and then just turn and take out all their frustration and negative energy on me. Yes, we all get like this from time to time, but this has been an ongoing thing for some time now. I know I have become someone or am working hard to be someone who is positive and looks on the bright side as much as possible about everything, so maybe they just subconsciously think I can handle it or their negativity won't affect me. But it does, and tonight, it broke me. I really got upset and let it get to me. I gave up.

I know I can be a sensitive person and sometimes this can mean I let things get to me, but I'm not out of line or crazy when I say this would have gotten to anyone. That boy and I eventually broke up because the relationship just wasn't fun anymore, for either of us. These friendships need to be evaluated, perhaps, in the same way. Either something is got to change, or I want out. It's really that simple. I can't keep playing the positive to everyone's negative. It might me I'm not as strong a positive person as I thought, but... that's that. There are so many amazing people in my life who are positive and full of good energy, and then there are those who I keep trying to make positive and I honestly don't know how much more I can go when I continuously get shut down.

Peace and love, x's and o's.